What’s in a name?
I’ve been mulling this over for a long time. I used to give constant thought to the probable names for the tykes I hope to have one day. The more I thought about it however, the more I realised that I shouldn’t be putting too much time and energy into this as the mother to be would surely want her two cents and would very likely veto whatever awesome names I’d conjure up. I’ve decided instead to give her the option to name the little ones as long as I get a say in what they can be, or more specifically, what they can’t. I’ve spelled out the rules below so you might benefit from my years of laboring. Following them will guarantee that with all the problems they’ll have in life, their name will never be one.
An overly common name, while not the worst thing you can do to a child, certainly doesn’t help him set himself apart in a crowd. You have to realise that there may come a time when being able to do such a thing may be desirable for one reason or another, and naming someone Dwayne, Paul or Nicole is only making the task that much harder. Putting a little thought into self identity can’t hurt, but be careful not to go too far or you may fall into the realm of…
Obviously made up and laughable names which, while certainly quashing any chance of the previously mentioned problem materializing, opens a whole new can of pretentious worms. This approach is almost never properly pulled off and always brings to mind imagery of overly stoned, drunk, or bitter parents where at least one was him or herself a victim of a glue sniffing induced naming ritual. Sometimes this can bypass hilarity and go straight into downright retardedness when the parent feels the need to give the child an…
Overly ghetto name, forever cementing their role as burger flipping, penitentiary hopping, hair “didding”, child support collecting societal burdens. Harsh, I know, but I’m sure Laquisha and Dayshown wont think so when they realise why they just can’t seem to get called for job interviews that aren’t walk-in. Why the heck would someone purposely bankrupt their kid in that way? It’s a crying shame. You’d think someone lost a bet but it’s so commonplace that the bet must have been lost near the top of the family tree and passed down through the generations. So lets say you’re not gonna fall for any of the obvious ones I’ve mentioned so far; you’re still not out of the woods just yet. Another trend growing in popularity that handicaps your child in his pursuit for a simple life is giving…
Common names with unique spellings. This is probably the biggest disservice that can be done to the mini-you. You see, unlike having an obviously uncommon name that has a inevitable inquisition that follows once it’s uttered, when a common name is heard the spelling is always assumed with no questions asked. This means a life of forever correcting forms and filling out name change applications because, as everyone knows, “Patric” has a K at the end, “Cyndi” has an I followed by a Y and Raechelle, Izick and Bayleigh are just wrong.
There are a few more minor rules to follow, I just touched on the main ones. The goal here is to not shortchange your kid and ensure that they don’t toss you into a low rate old age home when the time comes. The whole naming thing can leave someone really bitter; Take my word for it.
